self-defense, trauma, isolation.

I grew up seeking love and acceptance. I people-pleased the ones I called my friends. Still, I felt neither appreciated nor valued. When I was bullied, body-shamed, and pushed to the ground, nobody stood up for me. Nobody came to pick me up from the dirty floor.  

The same friends I poured love and support into laughed and talked over me when I needed them most.


So, I picked myself up, wiped my tears again and again.  

I was cold as ice to myself but warm like the sun to others.  

I laughed while I was hurting. I gave support while my heart bled.


I was too scared to stand up for myself. I didn’t have the heart for revenge, so instead of punching my fist into the faces of those who had hurt me, I punched the wall.  

I verbally abused myself while using my words to soothe the souls of others.


Pain made me self-defensive and cold-blooded within.  

You could never catch a tear on my face. But behind closed doors, my tears could crack glass.


In moments when I saw myself as my only safety—  

I didn’t have to fake a smile, laugh at jokes I didn’t find funny, or complete every task just to feel loved.


Those who had hurt me were broken too. They used their scars to scar me. I don’t blame them. We’ve all been hurt, and we’ve hurt others too—  

For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.


Still, the impact of trauma is undeniable.  

I struggle with deflecting and isolating when I’m hurt.  

I get tempted to wreck things the way my heart was wrecked.  

But instead of giving in, I’m challenging myself to do the opposite:  

Instead of isolating — pray.  

Instead of self-destructing — meditate on God’s Word.  

Instead of reaching for comfort in food or social media — stay.


To beat a bad habit, you need to replace it with a good one.  

And when the desire comes to do something crazy stupid, do something crazy good instead: Speak to yourself with gentleness. Practice gratitude. Read the Bible. Be kind — to yourself and others.


No trauma is invalid.  Let God in.

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